7/16/2019 0 Comments My Weeds and My SeedsTraveling inevitably means abandoning my comfort zone. And abandoning my comfort zone means meeting myself. Out here in Rwanda, I’ve left behind the routine, the familiarity, and the comforts of home. Eliminating all those constants, I’m just left with myself. My gifts and my flaws are raw and exposed. It has been a unique opportunity to look inward and reflect on the seeds that I want to water and the weeds I want to toss.
The Weed Time moves slower in Rwanda than what I am used to in the United States. 9am comes around sometime between 9:45 and 10:30. Walking down the street at the comfortably brisk rhythm I’m accustomed to back home makes me appear abnormally frantic here. I need to go slower, slower, and slower still. I didn’t know my limbs could move so patiently. It’s been a difficult transition for me at times. I often find myself frustrated at the uncertainty of operating in an environment where schedules are fluid suggestions. My professors cautioned my class that this may happen, that we may find ourselves uneasy with the slower pace of life, but I didn’t truly comprehend what they meant until I got here. In my personal life, I’m actually rather schedule-adverse; however, when it comes to a work-environment, I like to have a plan. And I don’t like to linger on any one thing for two long. “Rwandan Time” has pushed me further out of my comfort zone than any other aspect of life out here. I’m really struggling to accept it for what it is. I want to be able to slow down, to appreciate the local attitude towards time, to see the beauty in being present and enjoying the moment. But I haven’t been able to get to that point yet. I haven’t been able to put aside my own obsession with being productive and successful and just busy. As long as I hold onto these obsessions, I’ll continue to be faced with frustration whenever my plans get pushed back an hour or a meeting starts later than scheduled. When I reflexively respond with this toxic frustration, my mind becomes too cluttered and clouded to recognize the light and beauty of these situations. I’ve begun looking inside myself to try and uncover where my inability to slow down stems from. It may all come down to a need to prove what I am capable of, not to others so much as to myself. Or perhaps I do recognize what I am capable of and therefore fear of achieving anything less than my best. Most likely, it’s a little bit of both. Either way, it's something I need to address. I'm working to consciously recognize the moments when I feel frustration boiling up inside of me. When it does, I try to take a breath and ask myself what is triggering this emotional reaction. Inevitability, I don't have complete control over every single force acting on my life, but I do have control over how I react to those forces. I'm making a conscious effort to learn to deliberately yield the reigns of my emotions. By doing so, I hope I can learn to slow down, be present, and enjoy the moments in life that operate outside of my schedule. The Seed Over the past 5 weeks, I’ve also recognized many things that I love about myself, energies and attitudes that I want to help blossom as they grow more intricate and complex and wonderful. Four years ago, I was entering my senior year of high school. I was completely lost and out of touch with myself. Any mention of the future felt like a flame to my skin. I resisted change with every ounce of my being and hated the idea of growing up. Even happy changes were met with a wrenching discomfort and fear of abandoning the familiar for the unknown. Questions about what I wanted to major in and what career path I wanted to pursue made me feel lost and confused because I didn’t know myself well enough to answer them. Now, I’m different. I’m learning to trust myself. I’ve noticed that I'm less resistant to change. I’m beginning to appreciate life’s moments for what they are--moments, not forevers. I am comfortable with the fact that things end because I know I’ll be able to create countless beautiful beginnings for myself. With the work I get to do here in Rwanda, I've been in constant flow-state. I absolutely love it. Sure, I'm still pretty grumpy when I wake up to my 5:15am alarm clock to get ready for a four-hour commute. But all of that frustration immediately washes away the very moment that we arrive at Nyange or Mumeya. I'm so inspired by these groups, and their drive drives me. I love getting to share the lessons I've learned in my business classes with them, and I love discovering all the lessons that they have to teach me as well. It's not a new feeling. It's the same way I feel when a student comes into the writing center with a paper they're really passionate about, or when I get a minute to sit outside with my watercolors and escape reality, or when I would spend mornings tutoring a high school English class, or when I get to put a pen to paper and absolutely lose myself in the process of translating ideas and memories and emotions into the written word. Over these past three years, and especially this summer, I've discovered how it feels to pursue experiences that I'm truly passionate about, and I'm addicted to it. My future is no longer a dark and distant cloud. It’s a rainbow. Sure, there might be a pot of gold waiting for me at the end of it, but why worry about that unknown when I have all these colors right in front of me to enjoy? Questions about what I want to do with my life do not suffocate me like they used to. I’m confident in myself and in my heart. I know what creates a pure, racing, and passionate joy inside of me. I no longer feel like I have to have an answer for others because I am confident in myself. I feel the need to prove myself to them anymore. I do not know everything that I’m going to do, but I know that I’m going to figure it out. And that’s all that matters to me. Next time someone asks me what I want to do with my life, the answer is pretty simple: “A lot of different things.”
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AuthorEmily Fagundes | Marketing Student & Global Social Benefit Fellow at Santa Clara University Archives
November 2019
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